can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
