My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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