The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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