RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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