i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
