i permit you to call me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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