How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
