i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
