weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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