so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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