they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
