My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
