I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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