it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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