Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
