and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
how drunk are you?
Several
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
