everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
