I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
