HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize