im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
