How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Two words: blizzard sex
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
