i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
