I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
