If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
