My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
