Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize