btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
