I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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