I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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