she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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