Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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