you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All I want is dick and wine.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
