genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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