South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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