I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
