How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
