it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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