Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize