I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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