I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
