Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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