True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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