dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cockslap morals
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Panties = found
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
