Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
