Cold hands, warm shart.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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