i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
