You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
