Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
