People in love make me want to vomit
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
