his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We are all done wearing pants today
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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