my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize