I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
