i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
