I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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