Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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