morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
