After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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