Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
