last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
