I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
