What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
