broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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