What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
