my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Randomize
