You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
